My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I just shit out all my problems.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
