If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
