She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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