At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
