I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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