Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
