my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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