You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
