it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
