There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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