you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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