my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
