nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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