if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
