you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have grass duct taped all over my body
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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