I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
