this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
