Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
