how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Rumble strips road head = magical
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
