he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
