i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
