Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize