did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
