even my farts smell like vagina
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
