I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
