i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
