Sry I called you an 8
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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