When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
