just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
