i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize