remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
