You smell like a Billy Joel song
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
