i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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