hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
