There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
