So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize