Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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