Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
