then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
