she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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