just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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