I'm really into asian looking animals
I need help removing her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize