I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
