Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
