just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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