The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize