Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
