pop tarts are not kleenex
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
