Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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