fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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