Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
