Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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