just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
