I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
