I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
