my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
