i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
