I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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