After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it glows. i had to have it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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