I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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