I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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