they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
