i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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