just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
