She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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