I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
