i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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