all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
