It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
