I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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