I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
