You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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